Letting Go
by erdi99
Summary: This is about Steph letting go of anger and hurt after her heart was broken years ago. (Babes breathe in, breathe out...calm? Good...it's not about Ranger breaking her heart)


**Steph's POV**

"I saw him" I gasp and collapse on Lula's couch. My whole body is shaking. I don't know what I am feeling right now, that is why I called Lula and Mary Lou, my two best friends. They will help me get my head on straight.

"Who?" Mary Lou questions from the kitchen, where she is preparing Long Island Ice Teas for the three of us.

"Joe" I simply state, lean my head back and close my eyes, only to see his smile as he saw me walking down the street.

"NO WAY" Lula shouts and sits down next to me. "You okay?"

"Yes...No...I don't know" I huff out and lift my hands as proof. "I am shaking all over."

"I didn't know he was back in town" Mary Lou remarks, as she joins us in the lounge room and hands us the drinks.

"Me neither" I whisper and open my eyes. "Usually my mom is quick to tell me those kinds of things."

"Either she is trying to protect you or she didn't know" Lula points out..

"My guess is that she didn't know. When has my mother ever tried to protect me….besides she doesn't even know" I remind them and take a long, healthy sip from my glass. I am still shaking, but my nerves have calmed down a bit.

"What are you going to do?" Mary Lou asks and looks at me over the rim of her own glass. "It is time you let that stuff go. You need closure."

"Yeah especially since you are about to be engaged to Mr. Badass" Lula points out.

"I will not be...I don't think we will ever get married. Yes we spoke about it, but things have been strained and I don't think it is ever going to happen." I huff out in frustration.

"You guys have been together for nearly 5 years...he will marry you." Lula insists. "But I have to agree with super mom over there, you need to find closure. Even if it is just writing a letter, if you can't bear to talk to him face to face."

"Probably best if I don't talk to him. I might scratch his eyes out or worse, steal one of Rangers guns and shoot the bastard." I admit. Six and half years I have been holding in all that hurt and anger. The girls are right, it is time to let this go and move on. I love Ranger, but part of me feels like that I am still holding back, because I am afraid to get hurt again.

* * *

 _Flash back_

 _(Anything not in Italics, is text messages)_

'You knew the Deal. You agreed to it' _I read the message and tears come into my eyes again. Since he send me a breakup message hours ago, I haven't stopped crying._ 'I don't want a serious relationship and you knew that.'

 _I don't even know why I am still waiting for my take away food, my hunger is suddenly gone and I have the sudden urge to throw up. I knew it; I should have known it; should have seen it coming._

 _The last time I saw him was two weeks ago, as I went to see the apartment he and Mad Dog moved in to. I already felt like there was something wrong back then. I stood there on the Balcony thinking, if I jumped right there and then, who would miss me?_

 _A while back I discovered something on facebook. A post from him saying 'Great night with a great woman', however the person he was referring to wasn't me. We had a long talk, where we agreed to see other people, but we shouldn't tell the other person about it._

 _Stupid me for agreeing to it. Because I fell even harder in love with him after that. He was the perfect Gentlemen, he even introduced me to his mother. Who does that, if they don't want a relationship?_

 _End of Flashback_

* * *

Once I get home I take out a pint of Ben and Jerry's and get comfortable on my couch. My heart is still beating as fast as it did earlier as I saw him. I don't know what it means though. I don't think I love him anymore, I think it is only because I was never able to scream or shout at him. I think that is why he told me via text message like the coward he is, instead of saying it into my face.

I remember exactly how I felt back then. I barely ate, only watched TV and even had a couple of minor melt downs at work. Mad Dog, who back then as one of my closest friends, almost stopped talking to me. He never asked if I was ok, only said he is not getting in the middle of it. So not only did I lose the man I loved, I also lost my best friend because of it.

To top it all off, just days after he send me that message, he announced on Facebook that he was in a relationship with someone else. That someone else had a kid. So much to, he doesn't want a serious relationship. Mad Dog insisted he didn't know. But how can you not know, when you are living with him?

Thankfully I had Lula. We used to work together in this Restaurant, called the Kings, but we were never any close. However she, and her boyfriend at the time, moved into the same apartment as me. Lula let me cry and then dragged me out into the pubs and clubs until the early morning hours.

It was hard in the beginning, but I am eternally grateful to her. I don't know what would have happened to me otherwise. Part of me thinks, she may have saved my life.

The turning point was, as I looked at my naked self in the mirror and saw that I had gotten so skinny that you could see my ribs. I picked myself up and dusted myself down, told myself never to go down that road again.

A year later I met Ranger. I was living with Kyle, a mutual friend of ours, and Ranger was just always around. One thing led to another and five years later we are still together.

I take one last spoonful of ice cream, before grabbing a pen and paper and sitting down on the kitchen table.

Dear Joe,

I am really not sure how to start this, but here it goes.

You are an asshole, for how you handled everything back then. A Text message? You couldn't even say it to my face, like the coward you are?

You broke my heart and hurt me like no one ever had before. Until I met you, I wasn't even aware that another human being could inflict so much pain to another, without actually physically hurting them.

Yes, you were right. I knew the deal, but you blurred the lines. You introduced me to your mother for crying out loud. You don't do that if you don't want a relationship with someone.

And the insensitive person that you are, you had to go and get into a relationship two weeks later, after feeding me bullshit of not wanting one.

But I also have to thank you. Thank you for putting me through this, because it made me a better person. Also thank you, that I do not have to spend the rest of my life with you. Since you, I have had a better life. I met better people, that aren't as deceiving and lying as you. Thanks to you I found out, who my real friends are.

I used to wish that you get what you deserve. That someone breaks your heart, like you have broken mine, that at some point you would lie awake and regret how you handled it and kick your own ass for letting an awesome person like me go.

Now I know you don't have a heart or a constions. I just hope you won't do this to any other women, because everyone deserves better than you.

I don't hate you...not anymore. Part of me may always think about what could have been, because you were first person I ever truly loved.

So I am letting go of it. I am letting go of the anger, hurt and heartache that I still carry around with me, to make space for someone who truly loves me. Someone who deserves to have my whole heart, not half of it.

I will never forget you that is for sure. We did have good times together and I do not have any regrets.

Take care of yourself,

Steph

I wipe away the tears, which are running down my cheeks, pick up an envelope and slide the letter in. In that moment I hear my locks tumble and seconds later a man in all black enters my apartment.

"Babe are you okay?" He questions concerned, as he sees my red and puffy eyes and with two long strides he is next to me. "What is wrong?" Ranger asks and pulls me into his arms.

"I am just letting go of the past, so that I can move forward." I reply. I know he won't get it, but he also won't pressure me in telling him.

"Want to talk about it?" He probes and I only shake my head.

"No. I have said all I needed to" I assure him and hug him a little tighter.

* * *

 **Thoughts?**


End file.
